Stii, stiam ca noi urma sa avem cel mult ceva ok spre bun, dar nu extra-ordinary sau ceva. Stiam asta din vara, cand tu ai vrut sa vorbim mai normal. Nu stiu, tu erai normal, cel mai normal dintre tipii cu care am fost, si ti-am zis, nu ma mai astept sa ma indragostesc. Prefer sa nu am asteptari mari care sa nu se realizeze si sa fiu dezamagita cand nu se intampla. Asa  ca speram la ceva normal, fara complicatii, fara drame. Imi ajunsesera dramele cu D.  

 

Si tu dadeai fix impresia de normal. Si da, cand a fost bine am fost ok. Cand pierdeam sentimentul de siguranta si cand indoielile mele erau mai puternice decat ceea ce imi spuneam eu [ca sunt ok lucrurile, ca or sa se aseze, etc], atunci aveam discutiile alea de care imi era groaza, cand eu iti spuneam ca nu imi dai atentie.  

 

Eu nu renunt usor. Am ajuns la concluzia ca e in mod principal o chestiune de mandrie, si de cum consider eu ca trebuie sa arate viata mea la varsta pe care o am, imagine bazata pe cum arata vietile celor din jurul meu. And they seem to have it all and to be able to keep it together. Asa ca inainte sa renunt, chiar daca lucrurile intre noi erau doar ok, am tras mai tare. Da, e o chestiune de mandrie, dar si pentru ca eram mai hotarata sa nu repet greselile pe care le facusem cu J. Because J., I thought, was my shot at a normal life and I blew it. And you were the second one and I was willing to do more even if what I felt for you wasn't… love or something close to it. I liked you, and more than that I trusted you, and you broke my trust and that's why we can't be friends and please don't try it again. I felt so at peace when we had the scare and we were driving to the pharmacy… you have no idea. And it was only because I was with you and I knew we were freaking out on the inside too, but we were okay together, and I thought that was all that mattered. There wouldn't have been anyone else I'd rather been in that situation with, because I felt safe with you. I trusted you. We’d just had that conversation about trust in a relationship that same morning.  

 

When you thought you had cancer last summer, it changed our interactions. You might not see it that way but I do. Because that became the focus. Because I felt responsible to not abandon you. And that was something questioned myself about several times during those months, whether it's okay to stop talking to you when you going through this or if that makes me a bad person. I wanted to run, like I always do. But I didn't, because I thought that makes me a horrible person and I'd hate it if  someone did that to me. But it changed how I interacted with you, how I saw you. And if I were to go back in time I'd do everything differently. I wouldn't flirt back. I'd stop replying early on.  

 

You are the one person I'd gladly delete from my life and I wish had never happened to me. 

 

Because I can't separate truth from lie, everything is a mix-up inside my head, and I don't want to lose sleep trying to separate truth from lies, because it's pointless. Yes, that's a weird sentence, because it's a vicious circle.  

 

I do miss you. I miss talking to you, because you gave me attention - sometimes - let's be honest, you weren't really interested in me and I felt that many times in how you dismissed what I was telling you. But you made me smile and I miss the validation. I knew that if I was flirting with someone I'd be interested in this longing wouldn't be like that.  

 

D said that he's going to look for what he had with me in every girl he's going to be interested in. maybe that's a compliment. It speaks to the dynamic we shared.  

 

Nu cred ca o sa intelegi vreodata cat m-ai ranit si cum m-a afectat ce ai facut. Si cred ca nici eu nu o sa inteleg pe deplin asta. Inca ma doare, oricat as incerca sa imi umplu timpul si mintea cu alte lucruri, tot sper sa suferi si sa ma regreti. Si poate ca asta e petty si mai stiu eu cum, dar ma rog sa pot sa te iert si nu imi iese. Nu se intampla. Greata e acolo, lacrimile sunt acolo, si da, si dorul sa vorbesc cu tine e tot acolo. Senzatia ca putea sa fie in orice alt fel, dar nu a fost, pentru ca tu ai ales sa faci niste lucruri… da, nu eram indragostita de tine, dar atat am putut sa ofer si tu ai profitat de asta.  

Si eu mint. Nici eu nu eram atat de interesata de tine. Probabil ti-ar veni greu sa crezi asta stiind ce crezi ca stii despre mine. O parte din minte tinea la tine, mai mult la ideea de normalitate si incredere pe care o ofereai. La ideea ca iti place de mine. Le-ai pierdut pe toate, de asta nici nu o sa ramanem in relatii bune vreodata.