I met a man who makes me write beautiful things.

They aren't necessarily happy.

My love, she keeps me warm...

Dear you, before Christmas I felt something. 

You are a man I will gladly follow. Not only because you make me turn my head after you when you pass me by, but most of all because you make me want to turn my heart to after you. It's you I want to have by my side when things go wrong, it's you I want to share  my happy moments with. It's your tunes that I want to be stuck with, and your humming as soundtrack. You are the one I want to come home to. You make me want to be a better person, because you deserve so much. I carry your heart with me, I carry your heart in mine. 

The late bloomer

Disclaimer: Yes, I am a romantic at heart.

Now that we acknowledged the elephant in the room.

I haven't felt like this since A., and not even about him.

I am glad that I am here, I am glad that I am feeling this, whatever it is. I will always have this image of him on the bike that will make me smile. 

I know I am not realistically hoping for anything. But hey, I have always been a late bloomer. 

All my tears, I've used all
on another love.

Pentru prima data de mult, mult, mult timp,
azi am simtit ca vreau sa-mi decupez un patrat din piept, care sa contina inima,
si sa o scot si sa o plesnesc, plesnesc, plesnesc.

Nu merit, nu meriti, si nu meritam nici asta.

De-asta nu-mi permit eu sa imi spun ca ii place cuiva de mine. Pentru ca apoi imi dau voie sa sper, si dupa ce sper imi dau voie sa simt ceva, si dupa ce incep sa simt ceva, sunt fericita, si apoi un ciocan urias de fier sub forma de viata vine si zdrobeste, zdrobeste, zdrobeste tot.

Da, acum imi dau seama ca sunt mai dramatica in scris decat in capul meu. Poate a ramas ceva care seamana a scriitor in capul meu.

Nu ma simt ca in 2 paragrafe mai sus, ma simt ca in primul.

Lucky no.25 a fost incredibil, de trist si de eliberator in acelasi timp, pentru mine.

With tired eyes
        tired minds
        tired souls


we slept.

Lucky no. 25

Zo stil.

E o problema cu mine si cum interpretez momentele. Problema e ca si cantecul asta ruleaza in mintea mea ca un cantec de final fericit, al unui film in care oamenii care se cauta unul pe altul se si gasesc. Asta e problema.

Dar vorba voastra, dit is niet de bedoeling. Nu, nu asta era ideea, sunt sigura.

Ti-as fi scris atatea despre cat iubesc cantecul asta si ce puternic rasuna in mine acum.

Dar nu. Pentru ca poate ca nu asta era ideea.

Lucky email no. 25, este, according to my friends, happy, bubbly - like me - enthousiastic and nice. Si totusi simt cum ma detasez pe de-o parte. Dar pe de alta parte...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJyPwzCkqr0

  Whenever I would hold R.'s hand in my dreams it felt alright.

 Now I feel like everything will go away the moment he will reach for my hand. And I will rest my head upon his shoulder, and those would be the only words I'd need.

 Now if I could just stop second-guessing myself and he would ask me out...

I will not complain. I will not complain. At least for now.

Everything will be fine, everything will be fine.

And I will eat less, and commute, and it will be fine.

My two years are over now, really. I must get back to the life that has been intended for me, that I intend for me. Sabbatical or no sabbatical, something's gotta give.

Phoebe: But what about Ross? What about your moment? Don’t you want to talk to Ross about it?
Rachel: No, no, ‘cos I know exactly how the conversation is going to go. “Hey Ross”, “You know, I think that we had a moment before” [As Ross] “Yeah, um, me too” [As herself] “Well, but I’m not sure I really wanna do anything about it!” [As Ross] “Yeah, um, me, um, neither.” [As herself] “Ross, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we’re really feeling?” [As Ross] “Yeah, that works for me, um, um.”
Phoebe: Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation. But your Rachel was not whiny enough.
(...)
Rachel: The point is: maybe I should stop waiting around, waiting for moments with Ross. I should just move on with my life.


Every once in a while, you stumble across a piece of good advice in the most unexpected of all places. Like Friends.

And I was so dumbstruck when I got it. Even if I think I have a moment every once in a while with someone [leaving aside how only I might perceive it as a moment], is that enough? At some point it won't cut it anymore. Yeah we can have moments, we can have moments every once a week, twice a week, but as long as we don't get past them and to the next step, whatever that may be, then maybe I should stop whatever and move on with my life just like Rachel says.

And the last time that we spoke,
we seemed much older, colder
and the last time we made eyes
we knew it was over, thank God it's over.


Ik weet dat het zo vreemd is dat ik me met jij zo koud gedrag, maar ik moest dat proberen. Ik moest't proberen om te zien of er een verandering in onze verhouding zal zijn. En hoewel ik zo verbaasd was toen jij ook koud met me was, kan ik ook niet zeggen dat het zo slecht was.

Helaas, misschien beginnen we ons eindelijk zoals volwassenen te gedragen.

Kunnen jij en ik een nieuwe verhouding nu hebben? Kunnen we opnieuw beginnen? Ik ben niet zo optimistisch.

older.colder

Last summer[and to some extent year], I played the fun-naive-trusts-everyone-and-they-can-do-no-harm girl, a happy-go-lucky character, smiling half the time, and being disappointed by how what I thought of people doesn't fit who they are and what they do, to her, or the others the other half.

This summer[maybe to some extent year as well], it seems I'm playing the better-dressed-independent- out-of-your-league-a-bit-snobish-perhaps-still-laughing-but-a-bit-more-reserved girl. Summer twisted my plans, which is too strong a word for expectations, but maybe it was for the better.

At least my feelings don't paralyze me as much as they did up until now.
And I am handling a lot of things better. Or maybe not truly better, but differently, and that means I don't have to stay until the last minute of everything to see how it ends, and maybe I am learning not to be so attached to some people, or moments, and so many others.


Seabird -  Rocks Into Rivers
   
 Asculta  mai multe  audio   rock

the stubborn inheritance

"I’ve been told that once you’ve been stabbed, it is better to leave the blade inside the body. Removing the dagger will only open the wound further. Forgiveness will bleed you thin if you ignore it. The skin could close around the metal, this is a part of you now. This is all you will find when my body crumbles, this vengeful child, this shiny rod, a thirteen-year-old boy crawling from the ashes."

I’ve been told to forgive the stubborn inheritance.

ticket for the long way round

I wish someone would choose me
over the rest
for once.

Laat z'n ogen maar rollen.

Poate ca am nevoie de inca o sansa. Toata noaptea nu mi-a trecut asta prin minte. Doar cand am coborat si ne-am salutat de plecare. Damn. Nu-mi imaginam as[t]a.

Mark Twain avea dreptate. Cateodata chiar regreti lucrurile pe care nu le-ai facut.

Pana la urma, orice se poate intampla, cred. Sper.

tus ojos negros.

Howling ghosts
they reappear in
mountains that are
stacked with
fear.


O sa continui sa ii pedepsesc pe toti cei care tin la mine pana cand o sa raman
singura

singura

singura.

keeps getting better

*moment de triumf din departare.*


Jubilez. O sa iau asta ca pe un moment in care roata se intoarce in favoarea celor buni, a celor ce au fost, ca pe ceva meritat si asteptat. Am stiut ca voi fi surprinsa anul asta, si se tot intampla. Uneori chiar spre bine.

Chiar daca momentul asta e de scurta durata, si saptamana asta o sa ma contrazica total, n-am sa uit. The North remembers.  ;)

Previously...

'Cum se vede lumea din spatele unor ochi atat de negri?'

Am tacut si m-am ridicat. Incercam sa fiu la fel ca el, sa-i dau un raspuns pe masura. Unul glumet, care sa-l faca sa zambeasca, si sa putem schimba subiectul. .

Am tacut, si m-am ridicat. Ce n-as fi dat sa-mi pot da macar mie un raspuns.

Oh I don't know what to do

Poate ca problema de fapt nu e ca iau deciziile cele mai neinspirate posibil, ci faptul ca eu cred asta despre ele.

Het ijsje

of hoe ik de hele week zonder reden verslapte.


Het gaat niet slecht met mee. Maar ik maakte er een fout. Ik moest naar dat foto niet kijken. Ik wist niet dat het mij zal beschadigen. Maar dat is precies wat het deed. Nu kwam ik terug naar het verleden, en ik wil opnieuw weten. Waarom heeft hij me de laatste herfst negeren? Waarom ben ik zo raar nu? Wat gebeurde er met de andere? Wat ben ik nu aan het doen? Wat dacht zijn gezin? Wat zegt hij over me? Erg nieuwsgierig ben ik, zoals altijd. Ik moet mezelf inhouden, ik moet mijn gedrag in deze beschaving voorkomen and onder control houden. Zal het mogelijk zijn om opnieuw vrienden te zijn? En hoe moet ik me gedragen om dat te doen? Vragen onder antwoorden.

Ik houd niet eens meer van ijsjes, en dat is jammer.

Arhivat.

Te-am trimis inapoi in trecut, acolo unde-ti este locul.

Asa cum am facut si cu celalalt.

Nu ai dreptul sa te intorci decat daca vrei sa ramai.

   

Of Monsters and Men - Mountain Sound

Angajamente sa-si ia ingerii.

In primul rand, sa nu faci rau. Usor de zis. Putem sa facem toate juramintele posibile, dar de fapt cei mai multi dintre noi facem rau tot timpul. Uneori chiar si cand incercam sa ajutam, facem mai mult rau decat bine. Ne ramane de ales. Fie lasam vina sa ne trimita inapoi la comportamentul care ne-a bagat in bucluc initial, fie invatam din ea, si facem tot posibilul sa depasim momentul.

Angajamente sa-si ia ingerii. Sau cei ce se cred aproape ingeri. Eu am descoperit ca promisiunile le pot pastra pentru oameni importanti si apropiati, si lumea va merge ca mai inainte. Si pot merge inainte si chiar mai bine fara ele. 

    
The Paper Trees - Willow Tree March

biscuiti

and games that never amount
to more than they're meant
will play themselves out.

Si eu ma intorc in trecut, dar nu cu strangeri de inima, ca pana acum, ca la momente inegalabile de care nu voi mai avea parte si pe care le-as fi putut imbunatati. Nu, acum zambesc, pentru ca au fost frumoase, si acum sunt amintiri. Da, unele sunt nebunesti, unele par ireale. De unele uit atata vreme, ca pana la urma nu mai stiu daca au fost intr-adevar reale sau nu. Dar nu mai traiesc in trecut.

Uneori, pana si traducatorii traduc prost, traduc ce-ar vrea sa fie, nu ce e de fapt.

Dar atata timp cat momentele de evocare ale timpului pierdut se termina, si te intorci in prezent cu drag, totul e bine. :)

Jocurile se vor juca in continuare, in prezent, si fara sa le doresti sau sa le ajuti.

Give me the words,

that tell me everything.

and then I realized.

 And I smiled on the inside,

because I know it's too late now, but it's kinda of a confirmation that there

is actually nothing wrong with either one. And it's relieving somewhat,

but also sad, because it comes so late.

   

Nouvelle Vague - In A Manner Of Speaking

Un zambet spart in boltari,



se mai intampla, deh.

Nu ma scufund, in mod total neasteptat pentru mine. Plutesc, si sunt senina. Si incerc sa mentin ceva ce e atat de greu de definit. Dar imi place misterul.

Poate ca am avut dreptate si de data asta, nu trebuie sa gandesc si regandesc si razgandesc atatea lucruri si situatii, reale sau posibile sau imposibile. Analizand atat de mult uit sa traiesc, uit ca traiesc. Asta ar trebui sa-mi ocupe tot timpul. Si uneori e atat de frumos... 

Traiesc. Aproape m-a calcat o masina, si nu, nu mi-am trecut viata prin fata ochilor, poate pentru ca era noapte. M-am gandit doar ca mai am atatea de facut...

E iarna, si asta e minunat. Intodeauna am privit iarna ca pe un cadou pe care Dumnezeu mi-l face atunca cand am cea mai mare nevoie de el. 

Mai plutesc o saptamana si incep sa zbor dupa, sper.

Hai, hai ca poti. 

Singurul farmec al trecutului e că a rămas în trecut. Femeile însă nu observă niciodată că a căzut cortina. Totdeauna aşteaptă actul al şaselea şi, de îndată ce interesul piesei a fost în întregime epuizat, propun ca spectacolul să continue.”

                                             Oscar Wilde, Portretul lui Dorian Gray